ImJasonH.com

CULTURE: Pearl Needs to Get Her Drink On; Bill O’Reilly Needs to Shut the Hell Up

Bill O’Reilly is out of his god-damned mind. Of course, we already knew this, perhaps to the point where it’s commonplace and his particular brand of crazy just becomes white noise in the background. Every so often, however, he says something that makes me sit up and say, “What the fuck, Bill?”

Remember Will Ferrell’s viral video masterpiece The Landlord? Surely you must. It goes something like this:

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Pay the rent.
WILL FERRELL: You don’t have to raise your voice.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: You pay the rent.
FERRELL: I can give you half.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: You pay now, bitch.
FERRELL: You need to relax.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: (BLEEP). I want my money, bitch.
FERRELL: Don’t call me bitch I’m grown man.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Bitch, bitch, bitch.

See, I knew you knew it; everyone on the internet saw it approximately two hundred eons ago. Hell, it’s almost time to retire it to the fond nostalgia folder with Little Superstar at this point. Bill O’Reilly, on the other hand, just saw it last week, and boy is he ever mad. So mad, in fact, that had to bring it to his show], serving a steaming pile of no-spin justice to that dastardly child abusing huckster-tyrant Will Ferrell.

Wait, what?!

Yes. O’Reilly is all about the children (as can be seen in his book The O’Reilly Factor For Kids, which I highly recommend picking up—no, not buying, just physically picking up and leafing through for a couple minutes—as it is pure comedy gold), and he truly believes that Will Ferrell and his sin-tastic cohorts have put little Pearl in physical and mental danger through exposure to beer and mild swearing. To use his words, he believes that the two-minute skit is “exploitation,” and a source of lasing “damage” to its two-year-old star. Last Friday, he discussed it with Geraldo, who quite frankly told him to chill the hell out.

The Factor complained that the little girl was exploited. “I didn’t find it funny. I don’t want a little girl put in that position where she’s memorizing those kind of words. This is a baby, and the baby shouldn’t be talking about beer and bitches.” But Geraldo Rivera urged everyone to lighten up. “This was outrageously funny, clever, and harmless. You cannot find a psychologist on Earth who would say that was damaging to that child. Loosen up a little bit. Save your wrath for important issues.”

Seriously, when even Geraldo thinks you’re a histrionic moron, it might be time to reevaluate your outlook on life. But not O’Reilly, who, refusing to save his wrath for more important issues, went out to try and find the one psychologist on Earth who would even halfway back up his claims.

RIVERA: There are too much - she doesn’t, but she doesn’t remember - if you say, “Say Jack.” She’s going to say, “Jack.” She’s not going to remember Jack 15 seconds later.

(END VIDEOTAPE)

O’REILLY: But is that true? Joining us now from Houston, Dr. Gail Gross, a child psychologist…

Oh, no! A Texas child psychologist! But sadly for O’Reilly, the psychologist he chose was not entirely insane, and while she did cater to him slightly with bits about neuron pathways being connected between swear words and comedy, on the whole she took a fairly logical and thoughtful approach to the situation. So, naturally, it was a very short conversation.

At the heart of this matter is censorship in the name of child protection. How much do we need to protect small children from beer and bitches? Will the hour spent working on the infamous YouTube clip prove pivotal in Pearl eventually becoming an alcoholic with a mouth like a gutter? If O’Reilly were to call Child Protective Services on the entirety of Funny or Die, like he seems to really want to do, would Pearl’s new foster home offer a more nurturing and curse-free environment that will no doubt lead to a more wholesome childhood than if she were to face continued exposure to lighthearted PG language?

Wait, I think I know the answer to all of those questions: shut the hell up, O’Reilly.

A.) It’s not like they had the girl smoking; children swearing is a funny, harmless cognitive dissonance. B.) As far as what the future holds: if you’re going to swear like a longshoreman, you’re going to swear like a longshoreman and that’s all there is to it, so why should it matter if you learn the vernacular when you’re two years old or twelve? C.) Oh please, like the majority of O’Reilly fans have never exposed their children to beer. And for D., I would like to paraphrase Geraldo Rivera (oh god, of all people): perhaps, Bill, there are more important things in this world to worry about.

Bitch.

(Written by: _DictionaryGirl_)

(via Jason’s shared items in Google Reader)